In sure we’ve all heard the famous Buddha quote “what you think you become” or about the law of attraction. Sometimes I feel as though that is true. When you put your mind to something and work towards your goals they are more likely to happen. But what about the people who struggle with staying positive. Will we never reach our goals? Will we never be happy? Have you ever done everything in your power to try to make something happen and it just won’t. How discouraging is that?! Or ever have something extremely bad happen and wonder what the hell did I do or think to deserve this?! What about the children who are born into horrible family’s, I’m pretty sure they didn’t think or do anything bad in the two minutes they are alive to deserve what’s to come. I think sometimes life just really wants to test you and see how much you can take. They say people who have had many hardships have the most sympathy.
Most people who meet me say I am one of the most positive and optimistic people they have ever met. I give good advice, genuinely care about other people’s happiness and well-being. But what most people don’t know is I am actually a very pessimistic person. Especially towards myself. I have about -5 self-esteem. I always think about the worst case and I’m afraid of so many things.
I know I have an extremely negative mind. I did not have a loving or nourishing upbringing, which is probably what lead to my negativity. I know I shouldn’t let my past define me. I’m 100% aware of how negative I can be and I try damn hard to be more positive. But it’s not like theirs a switch you can just turn on in your brain and say be happy! I have been in counselling for as long as I can remember. I stopped going for a few years in my teens when I was in my rebellious stage. Then I saw where my life was going and decided to get help. When I was about 17 is when I really started to try to clean up my mind. I have been so many councilors, read books, watched videos and done countless exercises and still my mind remains to hold on to that negativity. But it’s only the subconscious mind.
When a negative thought slips into my mind I usually recognize it and say no that’s not true or how is that helpful. I put so much effort into exuding positive energy and changing my negative thoughts in the hope that eventually, maybe my subconscious will surrender and let go of all the negativity it holds on to. Because man is it exhausting to constantly be at war with yourself!
On some levels I do believe the Buddha saying, when I truly put my mind to something I can obtain it. For example I had a job at a coffee shop in the mornings and wanted to work in a liquor store in the evenings. I didn’t say/think “I want a job at a liquor store” I thought “I WILL get a job at a liquor store”. I got rejected a few times but eventually I did get one!
And it’s not like I’m always negative! For the most part I have more positive days than negative. But when those negative days come around they are usually pretty damn bad. It’s normally something so stupid and little that triggers it and then BAM! Every bad thing that’s ever happened to me is playing in my head. It’s like watching a sad movie. And there’s nothing I can really do to stop it. Those days are the worst. Because I realize that some of those things happened 20 years ago, or those people aren’t in my life anymore but I still for some stupid reason hold on to the pain and continue to let it control me.
I really am not a negative person not by any means, but for some reason when it comes to myself it’s so hard to stay positive. I have travelled the world and no matter where I am, I still have breakdowns. The only time I have ever felt pure and true happiness was when I first met my boyfriend while backpacking New Zealand. Unfortunately that feeling didn’t last forever. We ran out of money and I got very stressed out. I had a breakdown in front of him and told him this is who I truly am. That ‘sometimes I just break down, there might be a logical reason for the breakdown or there might not be one It’s just something that happens and if you want to be with me its something you will have to deal with’. Luckily he understood this and accepts it. Today he is my rock. He knows sometimes I just need to be alone with my thoughts, he knows when I’ve been alone with them to long and helps me come out of the dark place in my mind. For that I am forever thankful.
Hopefully one day I will be in full control of my mind and rid myself of theses stupid negative thoughts. ❤