Friends, we all have them. It’s basic human instinct to want to build connections with other people and spend your time with them. On Thursday a kid in my German course asked me if I find it hard to go so long without seeing my friends or family. I said no not really. Then he asked “oh, do you not have friends” and it really got me thinking.
All my life I have gone through phases with friends. My early years I didn’t really have friends. I made my first friend when I was six and moved to the island. (But she ditched me a lot) I made another good friend which I’ll mention again later. Then in my first middle school I knew so many people and they knew me but I felt like I wasn’t truly friends with most of them. I did make a few good ones there though. One who moved away but we became life long pen palls (We still write). And another which we weren’t friends at first because I was living with her best friend and I think she was jealous. But a few years later she became my best friend. Then I moved to my second middle school where I didn’t really have any friends at all. I had one who I didn’t like at first but she’s always been there and another who I pretty much lived with. In high school after having not very many friends I decided to befriend people from all the different cliques, but I mostly hung out with the kids from the smoke pit. Eventually I realized that I didn’t like who I was becoming and I went back to having not really friends. Towards the end of high school I started making more ‘friends’ but after graduation I hardly saw most of them. My second friend I ever made ended up coming to my high school and we had a huge falling out and actually got into a fist fight. Which is crazy and goes to show how people and friendships can change.
These days I hardly talk to most of these girls. Half of them have kids now so they are very busy. The other have, well we have our own lives and I love on the other side of the world. Obviously I’ve had other friendships but these were the big ones.
After moving away for the first time to New Zealand I thought I would talk to my friends more but that wasn’t the case. When I came home after being gone for almost a year I definitely expected to see more people than I did. Sadly I hardly saw anyone in the few months I was home. As of now I’ve been away for a year and I only talk to very few people back home and it’s not very often. I haven’t made very many friends in Germany either. Its hard with the language. Most people do speak English but I didn’t know where to meet them and Germans aren’t exactly the type of people you can just start a conversation with. (They like their space and privacy.) I did make some friends though I found some Canadians but they mostly just got super drunk all the time and I didn’t like that. I have kinda made some other friends through my German courses. But my insecurities and social anxiety always sinks in. I don’t know what is up with that. I used to go clubbing with friends all the time. But one day at the club all of a sudden I just felt really weird had to leave. To this day I still don’t like clubbing or large crowds. I have no idea what happened that night but something inside of me changed. Now I’m always worried that I say stupid things or that I’m being super awkward.
As I started to write this I blabbed about some of my friendships and the I realized that’s not exactly the direction I wanted this post to go in.
I have always gown through phases with having a lot of friends and then not really talking to people except for the few close ones. I find it extremely hard to build an actual close relationship with people. I’m easy to get along with and most people like me. But for some reason I find it extremely hard to make friends. I don’t like to party which seems is how many people make friends. I’m okay with not really having that many friends but I would like some. I miss backpacking so much because you are forced to meet people and they are all doing thing same thing as you and have the same mindset.
But what is friendship really? Sometimes I think I have too high of a standard as to what a friend is. I expect a friend to be someone you can be honest with, trust, have common interests and mindset, enjoy spending time together. For some reason it’s really difficult for me to find that in other people. Maybe it’s because I’m weird and I find it hard to find people on my level or maybe it’s just my social anxiety.
What do you think? Would you rather have 3 good friends you hardly see but have a true connection with or many ‘friends’ who you see often and do things with but don’t feel connected to them? What is friendship to you?