This week I have really been struggling with motivation. I got sick and that set me back and I got used to being lazy. Then when I started getting better I found it really hard to get back into the grove of things. I was thinking all week about what I should write about, I have many ideas written down, but I just wasnt feeling them this week. I knew that if I didn’t write anything then I would be mad at myself, and it would probably just send me more into a downward spiral. So I decided just to start writing and see where that goes.
Tomorrow is the day I go to the visa office here in Germany to see if I can get an Au Pair Visa. I am so nervous!! The family wants me to start in 3 weeks! I’m kinda freaking out. I don’t feel like im ready yet, it’s all happening so fast. What if I’m terrible with the kids? I haven’t worked with children in years. What if I hate it there. What if I fail my german course and have to do it all over again, How am I going to make friends, I’m going to be 6 hours away from my boyfriend. What if it doesn’t work out this time? BUT it could also be an amazing experience!! I think Munich is probably one of the prettiest cities in germany. There is so much nature and it seems to be a rather international city. This past year I always had my boyfriend so I didn’t put too much effort into finding friends, but being all alone in the city will force me to become more independent and make friends. Which is a really good thing!! It’s a new city and a new adventure, and I feel like that has been lacking in my life lately, so that’s also a huge plus!
There is a chance though that the visa office can’t process my visa before my start date, and I don’t think the family would be to happy with that. Also, I don’t think I would be to happy with that. I would have to go back home for a while. I don’t think I’m ready to live back home. I’d love to visit and see my family and some friends, but I have so many bad memory’s and shitty people from my past there. It’s so small that eventually I will run into people who I don’t ever want to see again. On the other hand, I could get a decent paying job and actually make money to travel again. (Being an Au Pair doesn’t pay well at all!)
I hate it when I get stressed, scared or sad. Not only does it feel terrible, but I loose ALL of my motivation, then I feel worse. It’s like a never-ending spiral and sometimes it’s so damn hard to get yourself out of it. Sometimes I feel like there’s got to be something wrong with me because I find it hard to control my emotions. It’s a constant war im fighting. Theres the one half that’s totally irrational and emotional, and the other one who’s logical and positive. I’m usually more the logical positive type, that’s how most people see me. They think I’m one of the most positive people they have ever met. (My friend tagged me in the photo above on instagram the other day) Sometimes that other part of me, the irrational emotional part just takes over and I don’t know how to stop it. I try to stay positive, but usually I just let it do its thing and wait for it to go away. Does that make me crazy? It sounds kinda crazy, but I also think it’s kinda normal? I have no idea. I’m so confused about… well everything right now.
Hopefully after tomorrow I can get some answers about my visa, and calm down. I doubt it though. German official offices are TERRIBLE, so un organized and very unhelpful. I will probably need to go back a few times to get a proper answer but who knows. Untill next time xx.