So, I know it’s been a really long time since ive written anything, two months to be exact; but I am NOT giving up. I saw this coming and thought I was ahead of the game, that I wouldn’t be consumed by the darkness. I thought this time I would be stronger than I was in the past. I said to myself “This time it’s going to be different”. Apparently that wasn’t the case. But I do feel like it was slightly different from before. I didn’t get as sad as I have in the past. I am constantly working towards improving my physical and mental health, but it isn’t something that is going to happen over night. As I said in the past, I’m not drinking alcohol or caffeine. I’ve also started doing “karma cleaning” for free hot yoga classes; and doing yoga at home. I’ve been trying to eat healthy for the most part, but my love for chocolate and grilled cheese is so strong! I also stopped eating meat again, which forces me to think about the nutrients I’m putting into my body. When you fuel your body with healthy nutritious things, your brain can work better, you have more energy and generally just feel better.
Over the past month or so I’ve been trying to pinpoint what triggers my anxiety and at what point it turns into depression and I’ve come to the conclusion it’s not a singular thing but rather a bunch of factors. I think the most obvious thing this time around is my boyfriend going back to Germany. Also the weather is another huge contributor. Every winter I get super depressed and had no idea why, or that it is a thing that happens to a lot of people. There’s even an acronym for it; S.A.D Seasonal Affective Disorder, how fitting right?! It’s hard to do the things I love like hike and go for walks when it gets dark out so early and with work. But recently my work schedule has been more consistent and I’ve had time to squeeze a walk in or a little exercise before work.
And once I get sad, it takes heaps of effort to pull myself out of that place. It’s hard enough just getting out of bed and to work. I don’t even think about the other things that make me happy like photography, blogging and painting my nails. Which then makes me even more sad because I’m not enjoying life. I get stuck in the routine of literally just get up, go to work, come home from work, eat, sleep and repeat. Pretty boring, right? By making the time for a little walk, or a few stretches in the morning makes an impact on my mood and my physical health. Two for one, score!
After doing research and reflecting on my own life I realised another thing that can make me sad, which is not being social. People get busy during the holidays and it’s hard to find time to see each other. The fact that I have very few people I hangout with in the first place can make it pretty lonely. I didn’t think it made that much of an impact on my mood, but apprently it does. I thought I liked being alone, and I do. But it’s also nice to go out for coffee or just do anything with other people. It’s a change of energy, a way to get out of my own head and an opportunity to get a new outlook on things if you value the other persons opinion. It can be hard though because some people just suck your energy but others can refresh it. You have to find the people with good energy and it can be difficult to attract good energy when you’re not necessarily in the most positive mindset.
Learning to manage my anxiety has been one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. But it is something I have to do. If I don’t it can and has consumed my life and put me in some pretty dark places. It’s something I’ve been dealing with my whole life. I saw my first councilor when I was 5 or 6 years old. Anxiety is something that will never really go away, it will always be a part of me. That’s not to say it’s the end of the world, that I’m cursed for the rest of my life. I can learn how to deal with it better. I just have to accept it. And honestly, it’s not the worst thing to have either. It forces me to see the world differently. Gives me a little something extra.
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After going to Banff I intended on writting about all the amazing things we did, and sharing all the pictuers I took. But then I got sad. *Dun dun dunnnn* I started a posted a reader had requested, on how I plan my trips. I tried to finish it numerous times and just couldn’t. Same this is to be sad about my instagram, I’d go to share something and just wouldn’t feel inspired. I 100% believe in quality over quantity and eventually things will work out again. I’m writing this post right? That’s a good start! Now that I’m starting to feel better, I will go back and read about all the things I did in Banff and re-live that memory. So theres that to look forward to. 🙂
Untill then, stay weird!